Family Jokes / Recent Jokes

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
What more...

Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very more...

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration more...

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's more...

You work very odd hours.You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.You are not proud of what you do.Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.It's difficult to have a family.You have no job satisfaction.If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.Your pimp more...

#1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
#3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
#6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
#7 Keep your ears open.
#8 Small print leads to large risk.
#9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
#10 Greed is eternal.
#13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
#16 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
#18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
#19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
#21 Never place friendship above profit.
#22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
#27 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
#31 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
#33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
#34 Peace is good for business.
#35 War is good for business.
#40 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
#41 Profit is it's own more...

Once an American, a Japanese & Satharji were lost in an island, then when they were finding a way out a small bottle came to the shore from the sea. They all ran to open it, when they opened it a jini came out from the bottle & said "Thank you all for saving me from that small bottle, for this help I will give you each a wish"
The American said "My family is waiting for me so please send me back to America!" then the jini said some magic words & the American dissappeared.
The Japanese said "Even my family also waiting for me so please send me to Japan!" again jini said the words & Japanese dissappeared.
"What is your wish?" asked the jini from Satharji.
"Oh man, its boaring here so please bring them back"