Families Jokes / Recent Jokes

My Kindergarten-Aged Daughter Suddenly Announced Just Before School That She Needed To Take A Clean Tee Shirt To Class. She Told Us The Teacher Was Going To Iron An Anti-Drug Message On It. My Wife Frantically Swept Through My Daughter's Room, Finding Nothing Usable But One Tee Shirt That Already Had Something Printed On One Side. She Sent It Off To School With My Daughter.

That Afternoon, My Daughter Returned And Happily Showed Off Her Shirt. On One Side It Said, "Families Are Forever." And On The Other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, more...

Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water.

My fellow Armenians,
As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I
think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a
fresh, bipolar approach.
I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city,
and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans
have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need
ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.
Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie
higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their
family on the table.
That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record
is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets in Laredo".
(Music break)
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't
believe a president should be choosing more...

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued more...

Cookies and milk out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in

North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday
press conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is
asking for help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are
allowed to consume large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs,
beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates, which are found in pasta, breads,
and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.

Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not
fit into the pants he wore to deliver gifts last year.

"I couldn't bring myself to buy new pants, and I haven't had a good
body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said Claus.
"Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but being
a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a more...