Excuse Jokes / Recent Jokes
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
There's a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:
"Excuse me, sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.
The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.
Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me, darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.
The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!
The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: "Excuse me, beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"
The woman looks around to make sure nobody's more...
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear:
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zambonis. I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Cub Scout troop d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch e) priceless collection more...
An old lady in a nursing home is speeding up and down the hall in a wheelchair, making noises like she is driving a car.
As she is going down the hall, and old man jumps out of his room and says. "Excuse me ma'am, you are speeding. Can I see your drivers license?"
She digs around in her pocketbook and pulls out a candy wrapper. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the hall she speeds again. The same man jumps out of his rooms and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you crossed over the white line. Can I see your registration?" She digs through her pocketbook again and she pulls out an old receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off. Up and down the hall, weaving in and out. This time, the same man jumps out of his room. He is stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looked up at him and said, more...
Attract girls by being busy
When a girl asks you what you did yesterday, never say, "Oh, I just sat around and was bored." Better to say, "I was up early to run errands and take care of business, then played tennis, met a friend for lunch, and worked in the afternoon." Lie if you have to. And don't worry, you'll get used to it:)
If a girl calls and asks what you are doing, reply with, "I just walked in the door" or "I'm just on my way out to take care of business."
Don't hang on the the phone for hours talking to girls indicating you don't have anything else to do. Get the business of the call over, be pleasant, then excuse yourself.
By not calling a girl every night or contacting her every day, you show that you are busy and have other things that are important in your life besides her. This lets her know that she is going to have to compete for your time.
If you run into someone, be pleasant and friendly. Show that more...
All Purpose Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear
Mom
Dad
love of my life
Assistant Principal
Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
Car
House
Pet
Espresso maker
Left arm
was severely damaged by my
infantile
puerile
inept
comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
car
jet ski
large helium balloon
rodent driven sledge
Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
house
wife
Cub Scout troop
1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
priceless more...