Dressed Jokes / Recent Jokes

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
If I mention that more...

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.)
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for more...

In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster more...

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you more...

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said,' 'Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.''

''Certainly, honey,'' he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise,' 'Say,'' said the druggist,' 'I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?''

''Yeah, so?'' said the officer.' 'Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?''

Good girls say " thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, " what's for breakfast?" Good girls never go after another girl's man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother. Good girls wear white cotton pantiesBad girls don't wear any. Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hotBad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservationsGood girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls know they could do betterGood girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich. Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls... Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters.

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts... groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas more...