Declared Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing
only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race
were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes
later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared
the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the
reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms."

"Can you help me? asked Alice."No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her more...

One day, a rabbit and a snake were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways when they collided at the intersection. Immediately, they began arguing with each other as to which one was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that because he had been blind since birth he should be given additional leeway, the rabbit declared that he, too, had been blind since birth. Suddenly, they both forgot about the collision and began to commiserate about the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. Since he had never been able to see his reflection in the water, he did not know what he looked like or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit suggested that they feel each other from head to toe, and then attempt to describe what the other was.
The snake agreed and began to wind himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he said, more...