A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A consultant is a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
A consultant is someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.
A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."
Can you help me? asked Alice.No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it more...
A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine. She asks him what password he'd like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS. Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computer's reply: PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH.
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down.
They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant.
He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life.
Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.
Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand
dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!"
The next day the new bill arrived. It read,
Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999