Deck Jokes / Recent Jokes

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic! You all use black more...

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the
desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one
little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout
Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent
dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, you can be sure someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top more...

A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg off."
The young man then asks, "Well then, how did you lose your hand?"
To this the pirate answered, "Many years ago, I was fighting the Brittish and one of the dastards cut me hand off! So I had to put this hook on me."
The young man then asked, "How did you get the glass eye?"
The pirate replies, "I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird crapped in me eye."
The young man, now completely confused says, "That's it? No fantastic story? A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?"
The pirate says, "Well, more...

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Kings

Disoriented Are. Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting in more...

Psychological Christmas SongsSCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town. .. or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the more...

To get us all in the Christmas spirit... Can you name these Christmas Songs? Answers found below.
-- Questions ---
Approach Everyone Who Is Steadfast
Ecstacy Toward The Orb
Hush, The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize
Hey, Miniscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem
Quiescent Nocturnal Period
The Autocratic Troika Originating Near the Accent of Apollo
The Primary Carol
Embellish The Corridors
I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating with a Corpulent, Unshaven Male in Crimson Disguise
I'm Fantasizing Concerning a Blanched Yuletide
My Singular Desire For The Impending Yuletide Season Is Receipt Of A Pair Of Central Incisors.
During the Time Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges Past Twilight
Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires.
The Thing Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day
The Tatterdemalion Ebony Atmosphere
The Coniferous Nativity
What Offspring Abides Thus?
Removed in a Bovine Feeding more...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and more...