Churchill Jokes / Recent Jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Churchill!
Churchill who?
Churchill be the best place for a wedding!

Supposedly G. B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."

Winston Churchill & Abraham Lincoln are both famous for their wit & superb sense of humour. Once they happened to meet on a staircase which was not wide enough for both of them to pass. Churchill stood in the middle of it & said to Lincoln, "I don't give way to a fool." Lincoln promptly stepped aside, allowing Churchill to move & replied, "Well but I do, your excellency."

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way more...

'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had more...

A lady who was known as Winston Churchill's main rival in Parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his adversary, dozed off while the lady was speaking.
Indignant, she stopped her presentation and awoke Sir Winston by yelling,' Mr Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?'
Churchill replied sleepily,' No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice.'

Churchill's grandmother, the Duchess of Marlborough had this to say on the arrival of her grandson:' I have myself given birth to quite a number of infants. They were all pretty vocal when they arrived, but such an earth shaking noise as this newborn baby made I have never heard.'

The genuineness of Churchill's joke about Sir Alfred Bossom's entry into the House has never been questioned.' Bossom? he said,' What an extraordinary name; neither one thing nor the other.'Sir William Joyson Hicks made some statements in Parliament to which Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of Great Britain gave signs of demurring.' I see my right honourable friend shakes his head,' said Hicks,' but I am only expressing my own opinion.'
'And I', answered Winston,' am only shaking my own head.'
Once when his racehorse, Colonist II, finished fourth, Churchill had his own excuse. He said that he had a serious talk with the horse just before the race.' I told him this is a very big more...