Christmas Animal Jokes / Recent Jokes
Rudolph the Red-turbaned Ayatollah
Kwanza Klaus is Coming to Town
Don't ask, Don't tell: Santa's new Elf Policy
What's a Buddhist to Do'dist time of Year?
Tim Burton's It's a Wonderful Life II - staring Dr. Jack Kevorkian
The Ghost of Chanukahs Past
A Very Brady Kwanza
March of the Toy Iraqi Soldiers
A Charlie Brown Non-Secular, Atheist, Holiday Gathering
How the Grinch Stole Ramadan Daily Wonk Lists 2001
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- Don't pee on the tree
- Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- Mind your tail when you are near the tree
- If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip more...
On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me,
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.
On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.
On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.
On the 4th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
5 litter pans
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.
On the 6th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
6 cans of sardines
5 litter pans
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the more...
Christmas Jokes - Cats’ Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor. Get tape back from puppy. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth. Open box. Take puppy out of box. Remove tape from older dog's mouth. Take scissors away from puppy. Put present in box. Remove present from puppy's mouth. Put back in box after removing puppy from box. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them. Remove puppy from box and put on lid. Take tape away from older dog. Unroll paper. Take puppy OFF box. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps." Let puppy tear remaining paper. Take puppy off box. Wrap paper around box. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it. Take scissors away from puppy. Take tape older dog is holding. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot. Take more...
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."
"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot more...
Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick. One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."