Century Jokes / Recent Jokes

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation`s history. I mean in this century`s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn`t live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn`t pollution that`s harming the environment. It`s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It`s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We`re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may more...

Some people have died in strange ways...here are a few.
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD-from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire-by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered more...

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKINGWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.- Mariah CareyQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22I haven't committed a crime.What I did was fail to comply with the law.- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've more...

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
... George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
... Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
... Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
... Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
... Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
... Governor more...

Quaylisms "Quaylisms" "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle more...

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- singer Mariah Carey.
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering more...

Those who forget history-and the English language-may be
condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five
year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded
his freshman students' more striking insights into European
history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has
assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.
During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and
state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks,
lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce,
merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The
Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free
the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A
class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe more...