Captain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! Ive never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! youre right! Thats incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, were almost out of fuel."So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilots hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the more...

It is the duty of the the captain of the plane to announce after take off, the time to the destination, the speed the aircraft is travelling and ofcourse the altitude. Unfortunately in this instance the captain forgets to switch the microphone off, tells his co-pilots that " well now i shall enjoy the flight with a good cup of coffee and a blow job."
An embarrassed flight stewardess hearing this rushes to the cockpit to inform the captain to switch off the microphone.
Instantly a passengers replies "mam, do not forget the coffee."

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. ” Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. ” The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. ” He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so? ” Surprised, the flight attendant and the more...

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student.
"What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"
"I'd throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, sir."
"But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, captain."
"Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these
anchors?"
"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
(Now, that's a BRAVE sailor....)