Gentlemen Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Airline Announcements

    Hot 1 year ago

    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
    safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
    are some real examples that have been heard or reported.
    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
    lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
    to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
    please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
    you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
    enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
    lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. more...

    Scared ???

    Hot 5 years ago

    A plane was taking off from New Delhi Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom.
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain, Banta speaking. Welcome to Flight No. 333, nonstop from New Delhi to London. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax."
    Then he quickly yells out loud - "OH MY GOD!"
    Dead silence followed. After a few minutes, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
    Santa in Coach shouts back, "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"

    During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One
    day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor,
    and the third was an engineer.
    The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
    The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
    At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and
    knelt, but before he placed his head on the more...

    Letter to the Railroad

    Hot 1 week ago

    Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,
    and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
    am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
    think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
    2,000 years ago.
    Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with
    reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
    somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
    2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:
    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
    confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
    David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
    ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
    your train in the last two years.
    Your truly, A Commuter

    Late Payment Letter

    Hot 6 years ago

    Gentlemen:
    I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.
    In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
    In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $
    88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
    In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
    In 1966 my wife ran away more...

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