Bishop Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock more...

A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the race. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races. The next day the donkey came in third place.
The following day in the racing form, the headlines appeared: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey the he entered the donkey the next day also. The donkey won. The racing form read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The ranking Bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. The headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
The Bishop, apoplectic, ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher donated the animal to a nearby convent. The following day the paper more...

AN old bishop in the nation's capital was sick of the social and embassy parties he was expected to attend every other afternoon. At one of them he entered wearily, glanced sourly at the over-familiar cast of characters and sank into the nearest chair. The hostess coyly said,' A spot of tea, Bishop?'
'No tea,' growled the bishop.
'Coffee, Bishop?'
'No coffee.'
An understanding woman, she whispered in his ear,' Scotch and water, Bishop?'
Said the bishop, brightening,' No water!'

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said,"What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"? The bishop said,"Did you try "aunt"? The Pope said,"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"

Scenario: A bishop (B) and a rabbi (R) are sharing a train compartment. After
a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their
past life experiences...
(General conversation...)
B: So tell me, rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?
R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I
tried it. But only the once...
(short pause)
R: So tell me bishop, have you ever... enjoyed the comforts of a
young woman?
B: Well, ahem, yes... before I took my vows, mind you, when I was
not so old and not so wise...
[another short pause]
R: Zo, it's better than ham, hmm?

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.
They always liked to compete with their sons.
First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh
my priest!"
Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they
say, "Oh my bishop!"
Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and
whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.They always liked to compete with their sons.First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Ohmy priest!"Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him theysay, "Oh my bishop!"Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig andwhenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"