Assume Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How more...
Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day
Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh... Sir.. What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh... Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume more...
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a Weedeater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then, I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you more...
Women understand that babies do not come from the stork.
When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich's, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.
When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star.
Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses ''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.
When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends.
When women stay in the more...
Most people assume WWJD is for? What would Jesus do?? But the initials really standfor? What would Jesus drive??One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because? the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.?But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges theLord to? pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.?Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses` followers are warned not to go up a mountain? until the Ram`s horn sounds a long blast.?Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn`t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John`sgospel where Christ tells the crowd,? For I did not speak of my own Accord.?Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passagedeclaring,? the roar of Moses` Triumph is heard in the hills.?Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:? Joshua`s Triumph washeard more...
When women see a' 'caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while
men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with
every bone broken.
*Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men
check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot
basebll star.
*When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches,
the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one
having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she
diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a
romantic movie.
*Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about
''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.
*When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts,
while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women
enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.
*When women stay more...
Two guys are sitting in a quiet, rundown bar, when a man, dressed very sharply in a dark suit and carrying a briefcase, walks in. The two guys are surprised to see such a man in their local bar.
"He looks like a lawyer to me," the first guy says.
"No, I'd say an accountant," his friend replies.
After bickering back and forth, the first man decides to go over to the sharply dressed stranger to settle the debate.
"Pardon me," he says, "but my friend and I were having a disagreement over there and were wondering if you could help. Tell me, are you a lawyer or an accountant?"
"I'm neither a lawyer nor an accountant," replies the stranger. "I'm actually a reasonable scientist."
"What the hell is a reasonable scientist?" cries the man.
"Well, allow me to give you a demonstration. Do you have any goldfish?" asks the stranger.
The man nods.
"Well then, if you have goldfish more...