2000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the City of Istanbul, the Council authrorised Mayor Cornelius to receive tenders and award a contract to erect a fountain.
Tenderer Ricaldo submitted a tender for $3000. The breakdown being; $1000 for labour, $1000 for materials and $ 1000 profit.
Almeida submitted a tender for $6000. Labour $2000, Material $2000 and profit $2000.
Fernando submitted a tender for $9000. $3000 for tenderer Fernando as profit. $3000 for mayor Cornelius for the trouble. $3000 for tenderer - Ricaldo to erect the fountain.

Fernado, of course got the contract.

What's Really Going To Happen At The Year 2000:
"99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop
At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey".
Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.
Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar.
Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some more...

Long ago, a mathematician used to cheat people. Once he borrowed Rs. 4000/- from a rich man. After a few days, he borrowed Rs. 2000/- from the same man. Many days passed, the mathematician did not return the money to the rich man. The rich man went to the mathematician and asked to return the money.
But to his great surprise, the mathematician replied that there is no need to pay the debt. "See here, friend" said the mathematician " the sum of 4000 and 2000 is equal to zero, so I do not have any balance to pay". The rich man took the matter to the court. When the judge came to know this, he was astonished.
He asked the mathematician to prove that sum of 4000 and 2000 is zero, and not 6000. The Clever mathematician agreed. He said:
let a = 4000, b = 2000 and c = 6000
a b = c
Multiply both sides by a b
(a b) (a b ) = c (a b)
a² ab ba b² = ca cb
a² ab - ca = cb - b² - ba
a( a b -c) = -b(b a - c)
so.... a = more...

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award: The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U. S.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780, 000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was more...

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime more...

Quotes:

1. Screwing up takes practice. I think I'm well rehearsed

2. Life's a bitch. Deal with it

3. (Actual refrigerator magnet): Genitorturers homogenized my honor student

4. Life is hard compared to what?!

5. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes

6. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

7. He who thinks he can fly ends up with cracked skull

8. He who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers

9. One of the top signs that Y2K hype has gone too far is that millions are converting to Judaism so the year is 5760

10. The Chinese calendar is 2000 years younger than the Jewish calendar. So that means the Jews had to go 2000 years without Chinese food.

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin--January 1st 2000 or 2001. So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year "1" and ends with year "100"-thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000. To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had. Each boy correctly answered "15". His next question was, "Now which berry is number' 0'?" To which one boy blurted out, "The one that isn't there!"