12th Jokes

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the more...

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the more...

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: more...

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19. 36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova' Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11. 15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator more...

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.Q: How many were boys? A: None.Q: Were there any girls? Were you alone or by yourself? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me.Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.Q: And more...