I was chatting up a girl last night. I said, "Is your dad a thief?"
She said, "Why, because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes?"
I said, "No, because you're a scouser."
I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No, full fat over my shoulder."
I asked my wife, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy."
Mascara it is then.
My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.
I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?
When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...
So I leave the wife and kids at home.
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots, please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."