"Birthday mixup." joke
I asked my wife, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy."
Mascara it is then.
I've been fucking this really sexy bird who is a twin.
My mate asked me how I told her apart from the other twin?
I said it was easy. Her brother has a beard.
I accidentally elbowed my wife, splattering her nose across her face.
I always wondered why they called it the funny bone.
When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...
So I leave the wife and kids at home.
My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.
I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?
I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No, full fat over my shoulder."