Funny Jokes

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Is your dad a terrorist?
Cuz you da bomb!

A book hit me on the head this morning. Oh well, I only have myshelf to blame.

He wanted to see the butter-fly!

I accidentally elbowed my wife, splattering her nose across her face.
I always wondered why they called it the funny bone.