My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.
I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?
I was chatting up a girl last night. I said, "Is your dad a thief?"
She said, "Why, because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes?"
I said, "No, because you're a scouser."
My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"
I said, "Sure."
She said, "Great, when?"
I said, "Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl."
You mamma is soo fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!
I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.