A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out ablank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There areonly nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for thesame price."The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"
An Irish Setter went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely informed the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But, sir," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Dear Mr. Blix,
Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on behalf of Western oil companies.
Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I thought I'd help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few "Dos" and "Don'ts".
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World "savages". We will remember more...
Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too more...
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who hadbeen going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall andthere he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when heturned to leave, she approached him for an interview."I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to theWestern Wall and praying?""For about 60 years.""60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?""I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray forall the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safetyand friendship.""How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?""Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."