Clock Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hired Help

    Hot 4 years ago

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
    up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and more...

    A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

    The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

    The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".

    The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

    Talking Clock

    Hot 3 years ago

    A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
    He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
    What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
    It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
    "Yup", replied the drunk.
    How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
    "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

    This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week
    between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the
    White House.
    Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her
    internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the
    White House the President asked, "How would you like to see the
    Presidential Clock?"
    Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President. I
    have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would
    be a good idea."
    "Nonsense" said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley
    agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where they were
    alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley
    gasped.
    "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential
    Cock!"
    To which the President responded, "Ashley, honey, once you put a
    face and two hands on more...

    Camel

    Hot 3 years ago

    There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion,
    and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has
    made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,
    "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building
    over there. What's that used for?"
    The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women
    around.Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use
    the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
    Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
    woman. He goes to the captain and says,
    "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing
    around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"
    The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the
    camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
    The commander says, "Put me down more...

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