Vet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..
Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, more...

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him,
“My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it? ”
“Well, ” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
“Well, ” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down. ”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed? ” say’s the man.
“No, because he’s heavy, ” says the vet.

A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine. ”
The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for? ”
Finally, the guy says “All right” and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.
Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah! ” The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.
The vet says, “Holy gee, ” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s more...

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.
The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me down".
All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.
The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. " Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents".
The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.
"Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with more...