Tips for Moving South...Yee-Haw!
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a more...
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any more...
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Laws of Feline Physics I
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything more...
Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell
Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare
Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get.
They are lucky to get any program at all.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand and even harder to modify.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the
novice and the coward.
Real programmers don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
Real programmers don't use more...