Undertaker Jokes / Recent Jokes

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked." He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last
days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that
she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it
in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the
inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

A woman, being very upset that her husband had just died, paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit, she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses, she returned to the building, and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
"Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5 !"

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked." He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than Iam." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn'tyou say?"

A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding
night.
She said, "MaMa, I'va never been with a man before and I'm ascared.
Whattama gonna do?"
Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what
to do".
So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the
bedroom door behind her. While she's standing across the room, her
husband takes off his shirt.
"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the
stairs to her mother.
"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to
have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes
the door. Her husband takes off his pants.
"Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the
stairs to more...

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone more...