Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with "Eventually
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker!!!" she replies.
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
"Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5! "
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man more...