Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with "Eventually
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker!!!" she replies.
A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
"Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5! "
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why? Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet! __________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap! __________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing more...