Especially Jokes

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    Company Cars

    Hot 4 years ago

    travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
    accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
    enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
    have a much tighter turning cycle.
    can take ramps at three times the speed of private cars.
    don't need battery, oil, water or tyre pressures checking.
    have floors shaped like an ashtray.
    only burn petrol with the highest Green Shield stamp rate.
    do not need garaging at night.
    can be driven for up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
    need cleaning less often, especially inside.
    have stronger suspensions to carry concrete slabs or other heavy building materials.
    are adapted to allow reverse gear to be engaged whilst the car is still moving forwards.
    have improved tyre walls to allow bumping into and over high kerb stones.
    have good adjustable radio volume controls to eliminate unusual and alarming engine noises.
    don't need securing. They can be left anywhere unlocked and with the keys in the more...

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
    DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of
    0.2 percent.
    PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
    CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
    COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
    BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts more...

    In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory:

    "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic."

    To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

    One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

    "Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

    PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack. Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in three forms; metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The all-metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner. Compliment the musician more...

    - Redneck Driving Etiquette -
    Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
    When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
    When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
    Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    - Redneck Personal Hygiene -
    Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
    If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
    A cigarette lighter and a small more...

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