Thirty Jokes / Recent Jokes

I've been smoking for thirty years now and there's nothing wrong with my lung.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy more...

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly thirty days after the tragedy. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man perished in the wreck of his new sports car, and true to her word, his bereaved sweetheart attempted to contact him in the spirit world exactly thirty days later. She lay on her bed in the darkness and called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"
A ghostly voice answered her. "Yes, Martha, this is John. I hear you."
Then his newly bereaved asked: "Oh, John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful, Martha. There are azure skies, a soft breeze and quiet beauty sweeping the horizon."
She exclaimed, "It sounds beautiful. What do you do all day?"
"Well, Martha, we are all up before sunrise, eat breakfast and then it's nothing but sex until more...

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. Police had rounded up a collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before him. He asked the first what she had to say for herself.
The young woman was irate, "I have no idea what this is all about, your Honor. I am a college student doing research for a term paper."
Sighing, the Judge said, "Young lady, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer indicates you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second woman and asked that she testify.
She began to cry and said, "Judge, I am only a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I don't understand why I was arrested."
The Judge shook his head and said, "Well, the officer tells me that he observed you handing a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' who was sitting more...

It was the usual scene in the city's night court; the police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the judge. Three hookers stood before him, all
arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.The woman was irate and yelled out, "I don't know what all this is about, your
Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper!"The Judge sighed and said, "Well miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and a $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."This time, the judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the more...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"The owner says, "Alright, how about a cat?"The man replies, "No way! A cat can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.Then he says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; more...

After receiving, for what must be the hundredth time, the canonical light bulb joke list, I came up with this:
Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.
A': One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it.
A'': thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb's burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it's still dark in there.
A''': sixty: thirty to bribe staffers to write letters telling everyone how wonderful it is to sit in the dark, and thirty more to bribe newspaper editors to publish those letters.
A'''': The Administration will defend its policy of warrant-less surveillance of all Americans suspected of supporting foreign terrorist more...