Twenty Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Lock, Stock and Barrel

    Hot 2 years ago

    An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

    The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

    The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

    The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...

    20 dollars

    Hot 6 years ago

    20 dollars
    Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
    He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
    His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
    So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
    Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
    "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
    She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty more...

    Day at the beach

    Hot 3 years ago

    An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
    "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
    "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
    "NO! Get away from me!"
    "$200", he offered.
    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
    "$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing more...

    Her Age

    Hot 3 years ago

    Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

    Musician Joke

    Hot 4 years ago

    Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn! Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.

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