A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.
Her husband starts to cry.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
A man and his wife are having serious financial difficulties, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
Not quite sure of what she's to do, her husband explains that she's to stand in front of the bar and pick up a guy. "Tell him it's a hundred dollars. If you have any questions, I'll be parked right around the corner," he says.
She stands there for a few minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars," she replies.
"All I have is thirty," the guy says.
She tells him to hold on, runs back to her husband and asks, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
"A hand job," her husband replies.
She quickly runs back and tells the guy that a hand job is all he can get for thirty dollars. He agrees and she gets in his car.
He unzips his pants and out pops an enormous penis.
She stares at it for a minute, eyes popping out of her head, then says, "I'll be right more...
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it - a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the more...
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the more...