Striker Jokes

Rules of Bedroom Football
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, although they all conform within basic requirements.
2. Premiership grounds are all of high quality with well developed East and West stands.
3. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
4. Remember it is always possible to score at both ends, but one end may always be preferable.
5. Bizarrely enough, shooting over the bar is sometimes preferred.
6. Take care not to be red carded in the tackle.
7. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
8. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible for the Sidcup Social league.
9. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
10. Handling balls is allowed.
11. Some protection should be worn.
12. Singing songs about other players is banned.
13. Extra time may occur even if more...

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich will today drive Spanish striker Fernando Torres into the middle of a big field and let him be free the club have confirmed, after the World Cup winner failed to be domesticated successfully into his London environment. The Russian billionaire claimed it was one of the hardest decisions he’d ever had to make, as a weak Torres will be forced to fend off wild prey like foxes, or possibly even a badger, but Abramovich concluded it was either that or flushing him down a toilet.

Torres, who was constantly falling over in front of goal and urinating on the Stamford Bridge reception rug was never likely to find another owner and whilst animal right activists argue releasing a crumbling forward straight back into the vast countryside of Britain could likely prove fatal, Chelsea claim that not even West Ham United were willing to make a bid.

Abramovich told gathering press ‘I have a receipt on my £50 million purchase, but the warranty only more...