Shoot Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.
"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger more...

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot."I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger."O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."The ranger promptly aimed and shot the more...

There was a lake near town and there was a fly hovering 6 inches above the water.
In the water there was a fish and the fish said" If the fly would drop 6 inches I could get it".
On the shore there was a bear and the bear said " If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly and I would go for the fish".
Behind the bear was a hunter and the hunter said" If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would would go for the fish and I would shoot the bear".
Behind the hunter there was a mouse and the mouse said" If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would go for the fish the hunter would shoot the bear and I would get the cheese sandwich".
Behind the mouse was a cat the cat said" If the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would go for the fly the bear would go for the fish the hunter would shoot the bear the mouse would go for the cheese sandwich and I would more...

- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for more...

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin). The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains. r His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!" he said, more...

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little more...

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin:' Woke up this morning.'

2.' I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the
blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough more...