Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

The fishing season hasnt opened and a fisherman who doesnt have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?""Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope.""Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden.
(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.
Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn more...

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996) Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray more...

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.Log Off: Don't add no wood.Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.Byte: That's what the flies do.Chip: What to munch on.Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.Port: Fancy wine.Enter: C'mon in.Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that more...

Log On:Making the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:Don't add wood.
Monitor:Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
Floppy Disk:What you get from piling too much wood.
RAM:The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive:Getting home in mud season.
Prompt:What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows:What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen:What you need for black fly season.
Byte:What black flies do.
Chip:What to munch on.
Micro Chip:What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared:Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem:What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top:Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard:Where you hang your keys.
Software:Plastic eating utensils.
Mouse:What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame:The part of the barn that more...

Conduct During the Holiday Season...
Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden.
(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.
Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.
Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.
Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."