Scratch Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dad -' 'Son, come in here, we need to talk.''
Son -' 'What's up, Dad?''
Dad -' 'There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?''
Son -' 'I don't believe, if I understand the definition of a' scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.''
Dad -' 'Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?''
Son -' 'Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.''
Dad -' 'But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?''
Son -' 'Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. more...
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream' MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9.. . but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're' astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from' Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say,' You mean you really can't more...
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How more...
This week, I am at home and playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is so easy, I thought I would share it with you.
1. Make the beds. What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.
2. Pick up dog poop in yard. It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.
3. Drop your shirts off at the cleaners. Duh, I'm on vacation, I don't need them. Scratch three.
This is easy! What's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.
4. Clean out Tupperware cabinet. Uh, that's a hard one. Got it! Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.
5. Mop kitchen floor. The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie, go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6. Find something fun for the kids to do. That tinfoil in the microwave more...
The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises - "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises -"screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - from the shortwave radio."
A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods.
He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him.
Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good? ”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I? ”