Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs
As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following more...
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by more...
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account: more...
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrongwith me. My dick is orange." The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. Hehas no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently paintedanything orange. The old man said "No." The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recentlybeen exposed to any chemicals at work. The old man said "No, I'm retired." The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with anychemicals in his garage. The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sitaround all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher more...
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. The machine's failure was costing them nearly $100,000 in lost work per day. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small' x' in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated,' This is where your problem is.'
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from more...
When Rabbi Levy retired, the congregation decided to plant a tree on the shul grounds in commemoration of his years of service.
At the Board meeting, someone suggested an oak tree, because the rabbi grew the congregation from a little "acorn". Someone else, a critic of the rabbi, suggested a locust, a reference to one of the plagues in Exodus. As the discussion became heated, the gabbai spoke up.
"None of you mentioned the rabbi's service as a mohel," he said, "so why not plant an appropriate tree?"
"So what do you have in mind?" the president asked.
Meyer pulled out a nursery catalog. "Right here, a tree. A you-clipped-us."