Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes

When they say and what they really mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer more...

Elle, Helena and Naomi were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions and the possibility that the plane may crash. The girls were all anxious and thought their plane may crash.

They all rush to put their seat belts on and Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing. Elle said, "Well, if the plane crashes and we go down, when the rescuers come, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."

Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing and say its a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said, "Well, when the plane crashes, we go down and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl and they will rescue me more...

A lawyer was appearing for the prosecution in a murder case where the accused's wife, a prostitute, was giving evidence of alibi to the effect that her husband was with her in her house at the time of the murder. Their home was some distance from the brothel where the lady carried on her business and where the murder had taken place at night - the usual working hour in her profession.
He proceeded to cross-examine her:' How is it that you were not at your place of business that night?'
'I practise my profession during the daytime,' she replied somewhat tartly.
'How can that be? Don't your patrons seek you at hours usual in the profession?'
'Oh, no, sir, she replied coquettishly.' Only goondas, badmashes and other lowly types visit brothels at night. Respectable gentlemen like yourself come in the daytime.'

A physician, an engineer and a judge were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."

The judge smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

You might be a lawyer if:
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1, 000 Valentines cards signed,' Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"