Probably Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor more...

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on more...

A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.
After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."
Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that more...

Aries

The Ram. Their farts are "Built Ram Tough". They may feel like Curly-Qs coming out of their asses because their farts mimic the curves of a ram's horns. They, the farts, sometimes like to butt heads with other farts. Since people born under the sign of Aries show strong leadership and like to get things started, they are always the first ones to fart while around other people. Their farts tend to be loud since they are energetic. Do you like to hear robust farts? Too shy to be the first one to fart? Get with an Aries.

Taurus

The Bull. Their farts can be very stubborn, and once released, they can stink up a space with power for very long periods of time-longer than average. Their farts just don't want to go away. Their farts can even be kinda sharp and hurt their *******s when they come out, because they are big and mimic the sharp horns of the bull. Since Taurus people love sensual pleasures, they must take care not to over-indulge and more...

- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for more...