Press Jokes / Recent Jokes
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''The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out...''
''WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.''
''COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key.''
''Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.''
''Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!''
''Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...''
''Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)''
''General Failure's Fault. Not Yours.''
''Hit any user to continue.''
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''Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.''
''Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.''
''Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted.''
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
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"Hello, I'm Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds"
"We're here in Hong Kong to bring you a story that may shock and horrify some viewers. This city is a beehive of industry and activity, a monument to free enterprise and commerce, but behind these shops and warehouses, hidden from public view, is the sordid story of a condiment gone terribly wrong.
"I'm talking about duck sauce. You've probably seen or tried it before, those little orange packets tossed in with your Chinese take-out meals. But look closely at them...those little floating bits aren't apricot...they're real duck.
"Yes, it's a tragic tale of waterfowl laid waste, an underground industry that reaps millions of export dollars and is depleting the duck population all around the South China Sea.
"We tracked several shipments of duck sauce to a clandestine factory here, operating under the name more...
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro blems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the more...
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am." Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
* Start Ms-Excel
* Select New document
* Select Work-Book
* Press
* Enter X97: L97 and Click OK
* Press TAB onces
* By holding Shift+CTRL click the toolbar icon for "Chart"
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Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions…
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
Then enter:
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. more...