Plus Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used more...
The accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was interviewing applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even bothered to send in a resume.
After looking over the application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the woman what 2 plus 2 was.
She answered, "Four."
Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.
The second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the interview he was asked the same question, "What is two and two?"
The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.
The third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy. Cheatham figured that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I've got nothing to more...
Little Johnnie's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnnie was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Johnnie proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents.
An A in Math!
"Johnnie! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?"
Johnnie shook his head.
"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"
Johnnie looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I more...
Santa heard his son reciting his homework:
"Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'" "Shut up !" shouted furoius Santa. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords".
"But, Dad," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Santa went right into the classroom to complain.
"Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
Un homme a dit au ringmaster qu'il etait interesse a joindre le cirque comme lion plus docile. Le ringmaster a demande s'il avait n'importe quelle experience que l'homme a dit, "pourquoi, oui. Mon pere etait un des tamers de lion les plus celebres dans le monde, et il m'a enseigne que tout qu'il a su." "vraiment?" a dit le ringmaster. "il vous a enseigne comment faire un lion sautent par un cercle flamboyant?" "oui il, " l'homme repondu. "et il vous a enseigne comment faire former six lions une pyramide?" "oui il, " l'homme repondu. "et ayez-vous jamais coince votre tete dans la bouche d'un lion?" "juste une fois," l'homme a repondu. Le ringmaster a demande, "pourquoi seulement une fois?" L'homme a dit, "je recherchais mon pere."
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and more...