Pleasant Jokes

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a more...

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today." more...

While touring Russia the Joneses had a very pleasant walking tour with their guide, Rudolph, until the very end of the day. It began to precipitate, and Mr. Jones said, "It would have to start snowing before we reach the hotel."
"Pardon," said the guide, "but that's not snow: It's rain."
Mr. Jones shook his head. "Sorry, friend, but you're wrong. It's snow."
"Rain," the Russian said confidently.
"Snow."
"Rain, Comrade."
Getting red in the face, Mr. Jones was about to yell at the guide when his wife lay a cautioning hand on his arm.
"Please," she said to Mr. Jones, "control you-self. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, "cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train 'cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we more...