I accidentally left the fridge door open and all the food went off.
My wife was furious. "What am I supposed to do with all this food?"
I said. "Look, love, don't make a meal out of it."
you have a 'barrel man' in your house, you may be filipino...(you know.. the wooden man... when you lift up the barrel----schwing!!!) you wash your clothes by hand, you might be Filipino. you use walis tambo and walis ting-ting, you just might be Filipino. you nail all photographs on your walls in the living room, you're a Filipino. you have a very good sense of maniana habit, you might be Filipino. you smoke in your house you put up your knee while eating you eat kanin and ulam using your hand you are pakialamero you say Sugarol, babaero at tumador you are chismosa you say Comfort Room instead of Restroom. you say For Take Out instead of to go. you point w/ your lips, then you might be a Filipino. you say open or close the lights, then you might be a Filipino. you nod upwards to greet someone, you might be a Filipino. your nickname is 'boy', you might be a Filipino. you ask for a Colgate instead of toothpaste, you might be a Filipino. you say 'Canteen' instead of cafeteria, then you more...
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold." No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started singing, "One billion bottles of beer on more...
A group of Jewish American Tourist are in London and on their itinary is listed a visit to Blooms Kosher Restaurant in Golders Green.
After being seated at the table they are served by a Chinese Waiter, who conducts the whole conversation in Yiddish.
After the meal and just before they are about to leave, they are confronted by the owner, Mr. Bloom, who asks them if they enjoyed the meal.
The leader of the group states that they were well satisfied by the food and service, but were amazed that the waiter only spoke in yiddish.
Mr. Bloom placed the index finger of his right hand to his lips and said "Shush, he thinks he's speaking in English"!!