Physicists Jokes

How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Economists do it with indifference.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find 'em hot, and leave 'em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with more...

The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.

Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10, 000 years.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave more...

After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.

Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.