Chemists Jokes

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Economists do it with indifference.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find 'em hot, and leave 'em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with more...

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. That's what organic chemists are for!

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D. L. Bunker

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in more...

OLD CANNERS never die, they are preservedOLD CARS never die, they just get run into the groundOLD CASHIERS never die, they just check outOLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their driveOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganicallyOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to reactOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxesOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibriumOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that wayOLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucketOLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decomposeOLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memoryOLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dustOLD COOKS never die, they just get derangedOLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."

Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!

Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.

Acid is base.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.