A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports: "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."
- Audobon Magazine
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.
As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.
"A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.
The fairy turned more...
This one doesn't read very well, but it can be real fun if you act it out properly:
A guy goes to a whore and asks her about her rates.
"Well", she says, "basic service is $25. The 'Pink Panther' is $50. And if you want something really special, I can do you 'The Penguin' for $100."
"Hmmm, that sounds interesting", says the guy, "Allright, I'll go for 'The Penguin' ".
The whore loosens his belt and pulls his jeans down to his knees.
"Money first", she says, and he brings out his wallet.
The whore takes his money and just walks away. The guy runs after her with his pants down. (imitate a waddling penguin here)
"Hey! where are you going!"
So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my brother?"... and the barman says "I don't know, what does he look like?" (ba-dum-tish)