Parish Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."
At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying more...
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby more...
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he`s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him 50p. The boy looks at the coin and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you`re a virgin". The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. Next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it`s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad a pound coin. Once again the lad looks at the coin and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin". At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that`s twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes" says the brat, "a tight c*nt."
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of more...