Parish Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."

    The Catholic Dictionary

    Hot 5 years ago

    AMEN:
    The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
    BULLETIN:
    1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
    2. Catholic air conditioning.
    3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
    CHOIR:
    A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
    HOLY WATER:
    A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
    HYMN:
    A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
    RECESSIONAL HYMN:
    The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
    INCENSE:
    Holy Smoke!
    JESUITS:
    An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
    JONAH:
    The original "Jaws" story.
    JUSTICE:
    When kids have kids of their own.
    KYRIE ELIEISON:
    The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
    MAGI:
    The most famous trio to attend a baby more...

    Our bed!

    Hot 1 year ago

    At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
    She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
    The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
    Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
    She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
    The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
    A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying more...

    A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
    "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people more...

    A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
    "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people more...

  • Recent Activity