Nervous Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Nervous

    Hot 5 years ago

    A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
    The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
    "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
    "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
    "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
    The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
    And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

    The Homily

    Hot 7 years ago

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8. David slew more...

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he could improve his public speaking skills. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a little sip."
    So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door, with the monsignor's comments about this second sermon:
    1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
    8. David more...

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
    Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say more...

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a more...

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