Lousy Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho. Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men. Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work. Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals. When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one. Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut more...

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, " Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with " Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, " You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." " No", replied the super computer immediately. " Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...

1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the more...

Now here is a situation that only arises in the course of hypothetical debate: which is more appetizing, a lousy meal or lousy sex? Having recently been deep in the midst of both, I would err on the side of the lousy meal.

The lousy meal is the ultimate disappointment for the inner glutton – a long-desired session with Mr. Knife and Ms. Fork becomes an assault on the olfactory passages and/or the taste buds. The frustration becomes universal, since your dining partner and the person who prepared the meal are dragged into the sour mood created by your unhappiness. But, of course, it doesn’t always have to be that way – a healthy variety of sterling lies can be tapped to negate the toxicity of the situation (“I guess I wasn’t that hungry,” “I’m too upset to eat,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.). A doggy bag request can help wrap up the problematic meal for burial at a later date and distant location while a digestible alternative is sought out to fill more...

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an more...

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.
Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.
Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.
Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse more...