A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
'No way,' said the keeper, 'it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor, 'but why is it lying there licking its arse?'
'The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.'
Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.
But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.
Then the songbird told him it's three great secrets: Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.
The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called' secrets' since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had more...
A guy sits in a bar when the barkeeper starts talking about his dog, "My dog is
the most vicious killing machine in the area. If I had not tied it by a huge
chain, it would kill other dogs or children all the time."
And really the guy can see a doberman snarling in the corner tied by a huge
chain. The guy looks up and says, "I bet you a beer that my dog that is tied up
outside the pub has no problem killing your dog."
"Oh really?" answers the bar keeper, "what breed of dog do you have?"
"A long nosed, short legged, long tailed terrier," answers the guy.
"Alright," replies the bar keeper and releases his doberman. The doberman runs
outside. Soon afterwards the tattered remains of the dog limps back, bleeding,
all over covered with wounds, and dies at the barkeeper's feet. The bar keeper
cannot understand what was going on.
"That must be a hell hound you have outside. What more...
A blonde goes to a electronics store n asks to buy that t.v. the shop keeper replies no so she goes home n dies hair brown she goes back the next day n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from yesterday so she goes home n dies her hair black n goes bk to the shop to weeks l8ter n says can i buy that t.v. the shop keeper says no your that blonde from two weeks a go she replies how do u know he replies its not a t.v. its a microwave.
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla that had escaped from the zoo in his tree. He quickly calls the zoo and is told that the zoo keeper will be right over.
A short time later, the zoo keeper arrives, bringing with him a large stick, a dog, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
"I'm going to poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, this trained dog will bite his balls off. The gorilla will then cross his hands, trying to protect himself, and this will give you time to put the handcuffs on him. OK?"
"OK," the man says, "but what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the zoo keeper says, "shoot the damn dog!"