Johnny Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house, and says,' 'Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!''

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,' 'What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?''

' 'No silly, it's salty!''

[Editor's note: Please don't sue me.]

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.
"Mary, what does your father do?" asked the teacher.
Mary replied, "My dad is a mailman".
"That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher.
"Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again.
"Oh, he is a mechanic", replied Nancy.
"That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running," said the teacher.
Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.
"W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice.
The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm more...

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that" She says, "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

See what 50 years will do:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good more...

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, "Johnny, why are you crying?"
Johnny cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with
the hammer!"
His mother says, "You shouldn't cry because
of that. You should *laugh*!"
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says,
"But I *did*!"